Unearthed Toxicity

It began with a phone call.

Work Granny- “Hey Brat, got a minute?” (Yes, she calls me ‘Brat’… we have a tough-loving,                              sarcastic-yet-close relationship.)

Me- “Whatsup Slacker” (Slacker: noun- a name given to a woman who always makes me                                                 do her dirty work.)

Work Granny- “It’s cancer.”

Me- “…………………….(waiting for her to finish her joke)………………………………”

Work Granny- “Hello?”

Me- “I’m here.” 

My “Work Granny”, a woman in her mid 60’s who took me under her wing when I first got hired, was diagnosed with cancer last Thursday. It started with chronic pain and headaches. She thought it was due to other medications she was taking, or sinuses. I even joked that she was just trying to retire early than planned (6 months left!) prior to that call. The doctors originally found it in her spine, further testing has also found spots in her brain. The biopsies were today.

My mind was in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. Business and personal. I literally couldn’t find the words. Part of me wanted to reach through the phone and hug her, the other part of me wanted to tell her to “rub some dirt on it” and get back to work. After all, that is our humor. I said nothing. She continued talking about the diagnosis and testing to come. She asked me to take her place at a few meetings, and told me her passwords to access files needed for upcoming presentations. The call ended.

After work on Thursday I drove the 45 mins to the hospital where she was staying. I brought her favorite lunch from one of our favorite mom & pop shops. I stopped in at a nearby target and got her a house coat and some fuzzy pig slippers (an inside joke) and a stack of random magazines. We ate, laughed, made fun of her male nurse and the potential of her receiving a sponge bath, said our good-byes, and I left.

We didn’t talk about cancer, or the fact that she was hooked up to a zillion machines in a hospital bed. I didn’t want to. I don’t think she did either.

On the ‘up’ from my quarter-life crisis, I have been actively trying to correct my character flaws. More or less by actively trying not to be a selfish jerk. Work Granny is always offering unsolicited advice. Name the topic whether work related or personal, she always has something to teach me. From my visit the other day, I have learned the power that comes from bringing peace to another person. On the other side, I have learned that I am toxic to some of the relationships I keep.

I keep writing about ‘real’ connections, and genuine relationships. I am toxic to many. I have such a hard time letting people in that I also have a hard time letting people go once they make it past all the moats and walls it takes to get to know me. I have never been one to have more than a couple of close friends at a time. I hate the thought of not being a part of those lives, even after those ships have sailed. This applies ESPECIALLY when it comes to girlfriends. So, I stay in contact. Our lives have changed, none of us have much in common these days, but I still initiate that random conversation here and there for safe keeping. Then I ask myself, “How am I contributing to their lives? Am I a positive factor, or one that’s there in case one of us gets lonely? Am I holding them back? Offering false hope?”

After Thursday I realized that I should put more effort into those who need a friend than those who I want to need me. Being selfless isn’t one of my strongest attributes, but it’s on the top of my priority list to improve. I have so much more to learn from my Work Granny.

 

Please keep her in your thoughts/prayers/spiritual rituals/good vibes/other unmentioned faith and/or lifestyles.

 

 

xoxo

Forever Awkward

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Fertility Update: HSG Test

I know many of my readers only read my fertility posts out of curiosity/boredom, but if you are a woman who is about to undergo an HSG test, this is SPECIFICALLY for you.

First and foremost, quit googling the procedure. I made this mistake. I read horror story after horror story about how "painful" and "hellacious" this procedure is. I even watched an animated video of the HSG. (Another bad idea… just don't.) I'm here to tell you, I felt STUPID afterwards for stressing about it like I did.

I compared it to an annual OBGYN exam with VERY brief, VERY mild cramping. The cramping only occurred when the contrast was being injected, but lasted exactly 3 ceiling tiles…. (I'm one of those people who count things when I'm anxious. Steps, ceiling tiles, letters in words, etc.) THANKFULLY, my tubes were open, which means following the contrast, another serum was injected to promote fertilization. This was another couple of seconds of cramping and THEN… the procedure was over. During the second injection of contrast, I was brave enough to watch the monitor. I knew I got the results I wanted when I could see ALL my insides on the screen. (If the dye is unable to travel you won't see your tubes/ovaries.) I actually encourage you to watch the monitor during this process. I think if I saw the 'good' results as the test was being done, I would have been so relieved I wouldn't have noticed the cramping at all. Mind over matter I suppose.

If you are going through the motions of infertility, I've likely been in your shoes. Please don't hesitate to ask questions. At this point, aside from having a tumor removed, my 'discomfort' throughout it all has been more emotional than physical pain. We'll be parents one day. We just have to wait our turn.

Xoxo

Forever Awkward

Zombies, Babies, and Cemeteries, “Oh My!”

I almost forgot to share my crazy Friday night! My husband works swings, so on this particular Friday I was home alone. I decided to take my Jeep out for a final topless cruise of the season. (The Jeep was topless, you pervs!)  I cruised around for about an hour and then decided to take the back way home. On this rural backway, I was passing a cemetery when a man emerged out from the entrance gates, and wobbled to the only nearby streetlight. He wobbled, waved an arm, and fell over. (Mind you I was alone, in a Jeep without doors, in the middle of nowhere, AT NIGHT, passing a GRAVEYARD!) I assumed he was drunk and sped up as I drove by. Then that little angel on my shoulder made me feel bad. As I was turning around I called the non-emergency sheriffs’ department number and told them what I saw, you know just in case I got mugged or murdered when I got back to offer my help. When I got back to the gates, he was gone! (I was only a few yards ahead on a curve when I turned around.)  I’m still on the phone with the department when I’m retracing my path, sounding like an idiot for seeing “a man in the cemetery”. The department says they’re sending someone out to do a scan of the area then I hang up. I get turned BACK around to go home when this woman comes flailing out of her house (Approx. 200 yards from where I saw that man) with a baby on her hip screaming and crying and CHARGING AT MY VEHICLE! I of course, stop, assuming the man is at her house. She jumped in my jeep and told me to, “DRIVE!” I did not. I told her what I saw. She explained to me that a man just walked into her house and fell over in her doorway. She dialed 911 and my dumbass went up to the house to investigate while her and the baby stayed in my RUNNING vehicle. Sure enough the man I saw was laying just barely inside her house, out cold. I check for a pulse, it’s normal. I don’t smell booze on him though, so at this point I’m worried. I keep yelling for him to wake up. His breathing and everything seemed so normal. The police and EMTS get there in about 15 mins. The police identified him immediately and called him by name. They told me they picked him up off the tracks the night prior. He apparently suffers from seizures. They got him to come-to, and sat him up. Shortly after taking his bp he stood up and got on the stretcher to head to the hospital. They asked him why he wasn’t taking his seizure medication and he said, and I quote, “Because me and my wife are fighting”.
……..HOLD. THE. PHONE. Now my “worry” changes to “anger”. First and foremost, he traveled at least 200 yards to this woman’s house really very quickly from the time I turned around in my vehicle to her doorstep, and yes there were at least 5 steep steps to climb to her front door. (He couldn’t hold himself up on a light pole when I drove by.)  Secondly, seizure disorder or not, I was there for 15 mins hoping this guy didn’t die on me, but he magically wakes up when the EMTs arrive? Whether or not this is a valid statement I’m going to say it regardless: The man was faking his ailment for attention.
Now I’ve heard some pretty bizarre-o things in my time, but having the ambulance called for you in such a dramatic manner while your wife is at work because you think she is going to leave you? C’mon dude. I hope she leaves your manipulative ass.
On the bright side, everyone was okay and nobody died. I’d continue to rant about manipulative men and male insecurities, but I’ll save it for another day.

I hope this makes the end of your hump day a little less painful.
XOXO
Forever Awkward

A Dating Progression

When giving dating advice to my 22 year old step sister, I laugh because, well, I’ve been there. Her and her high school sweet heart broke up a few months ago. Now she’s entering the world of legalized drinking and adulthood dating. Two things that I failed miserably… (or took by the horns if you’re one of those silver lining types of people.)

First, let’s classify the types of guys a twenty-something will encounter in their journey to that name-changing hero.

  1. The high school sweetheart- The product of watching too many Disney movies. Thinking your first “love” will be your only, when in reality, you really didn’t love them like you thought because you didn’t know what love was yet.
  2. The streak of causalities: These are the boys, yes BOYS, following your high school sweet heart, that you casually talk to here or there. No Tom-Foolery, but honest friendship-type relationships that will eventually end in awkward ghosting on your part because they try to make a move and you clearly weren’t on the same page.One day you’re at their apartment whooping their ass in mariokart, then they make a move on you. You get the label of “tease” or “prude” because their egos can’t handle rejection, and you never speak again.
  3. Then there’s the random hookup… ok, ok, I’ve never had a one-night-stand, but will admit to sleeping with a guy just out of curiosity. Introducing- overly muscular dude. I’m not into the pretty-boy-meat-headed types, but hey, don’t knock it til you try it right? My only purely physical “hookup” after the high school sweetheart. Out of politeness, there were dinners and movies tied in to the handful of “dates”, but we both knew what “this” was. When you run into this guy after the fact you say hi, and act as if you are only acquaintances, when really you have plans to meet up later.
  4. Next, you decide, “hey I want a relationship.” I don’t want the hassle of having to wait until the beefhead finishes admiring himself in the bathroom mirror to have a good time. (not joking, I had an oversized mirror in my first apartment that he would stop in front of and flex every time he walked by it.) ANYWHO, enter the “foreign artistic guy”. This guy is ALSO very different from the guy you imagined yourself with. He looks exotic, he’s poetic, and treats you like a goddess.. until you decide he’s just not your “type”, end things, and he goes bat shit crazy on you at a frat party 6 months later for dancing with another dude “in front of him” ..side note: had no clue he was even there.
  5. Then, you end up with the compulsive liar. You actually cant recall at nearly 30 years old how/why you ended up with this dude, but you did. This guy is a funny one. He’s easy to snag, well because, he’s a smooth talker. At this point you’re still SUPER naive and don’t believe that any man will ever lie to you let alone lie to your face. Forget the shovel, this guy uses a backhoe to dig the holes he gets himself into. He’ll likely cheat on you with the girl who lives in the apartment above you and tell everyone you’re crazy while he’s stalking your every move, showing up at the same parties even though the only person he knows there is you, calling you 100 times within an hour and never leaving a message. Sending you apologetic texts following up with angry texts calling you every name in the book when you don’t respond. Then he’ll play victim and tell his buddies he misses you and just wishes you “could see the ‘real’ him” ….*insert vomit here*
  6. The IPE…. IPE is a nickname we gave to the “all-american/wholesome/ideal college student, who is now a Doctor. He was cute, yes, but very reliant on his parents. Also, I could hug this guy… ( no seriously just an honest hug) and he would have to go change his pants. Hence: IPE.. “In-pants-experience”. This guy was super sweet, but I just couldn’t deal after I accidentally brushed his leg with mine when we went out to dinner and he spent the rest of the evening in the restaurant bathroom with his pants under the hand dryer.
  7. The stoner. This is literally the most pointless relationship you will ever be in. This is the relationship where you question your perspective 10 years later. In fact, he’s so insignificant, you have a hard time remembering his last name. You run into him at the grocery store and have one of those “I know this dude, but how” moments when he says hello.
  8. Up next; the one-sided relationship. You nurture this dude. You roll with every up and down on his non-committing roller coaster. You literally put all of your energy into this guy supporting all of his ideas, even the ones to move hundreds of miles away from you just for a “fresh start”… for him. When things get tough in your own life he’s the first to flee. You’re drained, mentally, physically, and as a person, yet, you still care if he’s doing okay even after you find out you weren’t/aren’t his first choice/only girl he’s talking to.  Fast forward to many years down the road, this guy is still dreaming and failing to commit to what he’s going to have for lunch let alone a major life-altering decisions.
  9. More causalities. Practically the same as before, only this time you catch on to their hints and ghost faster than before.
  10. Mr Right? … emphasis on ? You make a series of short term goals after your quarter life crisis to get back on your feet. You don’t even want to think about guys. Heck, you’re still hungup on Mr. Onesided at this point, but know you don’t want to go back down that road so you are headstrong on climbing that corporate ladder you don’t even see Mr. Right sitting on your couch.  Mr. Right shows up. You end up telling him he doesn’t have to leave when you get up for work in the morning (I always had to leave for the airport at 5am so when he would stay over I felt bad that he would have to wake up instead of sleeping the 3 more hours he would get if he stayed at his own place.) You come home from your work trip and his stuff is hanging in your closet. His personal belongings are in your bathroom. You’re pretty sure he used your hair brush to brush his beard. *You panic and try to come up with a nice way to tell him to get out, but then think “meh he’s not hurting anything, and I’m only going to live here for 3 more months before I move to Colorado…” Fast forward, you have a ring on your hand, you’re signing a prenup, and planning your future. You have amazing times with this guy. You have nightmare-ish times with this guy. He gets to see your absolute worst but he doesn’t run. You work through your problems. You get closer. You can hold a whole conversation by giving each other looks. This guy is the ABSOLUTE LAST person you thought you would ever marry. This guy is the only guy who will truly put in the effort and want to get to know every little thing about you. He is your husband.

 

I always tell people the movie “Trainwreck” is my personal biography. (Minus some of the promiscuity.) Ask a serial dater, like me, how they found their husband. I can almost guarantee it was because they “gave up” or started focusing on themselves, and he just snuck into the picture. Trash relationships are going to happen. It’s inevitable. BUT you will respect all of these people, because you will have learned SOMETHING that you will apply to your marriage at some point.

Life update

Again, I have neglected my blog for longer than I had intended. Life. Is. Crazy. On top of gaining more responsibilities at work, I have been undergoing more fertility tests/treatments etc! Sounds fun, right?

Fertility Update:

I've switched around some medications and my blood work has been on point as of late. In roughly 3 weeks I'll have to undergo the dreaded HSG testing. (A test my new specialist is shocked I haven't gone through at this stage in our TTC journey.. (yes, I'm still cursing my previous doctor.) If the HSG comes back ok I will get to start shots, and in the best case scenario (only positive vibes allowed at this point) we could likely be prego by January! (A lot of factors weigh in on this but it's the thought that keeps me going through all the pain/$$$$/and the emotional rollercoaster that comes with TTC. )

Prayers and Good Vibes that we might finally get to be parents much appreciated!

Home Life Update:

No complaints here! My husband and I have been doing better than ever. My dogs are all living and healthy. I did purchase a few more tillable acres just down the road from where we live, taking over the current monthly lease on the land which means more income… down the road that is. The land will pay itself off in 4-5 years. My goal is to own all the land surrounding my part of town by the time I'm 80. (Kidding… sort of.)

We have had a family function EVERY WEEKEND for the last 2 months! This weekend I am hoping for it to be the last until the holidays arrive. I'm hosting my baby cousin's baby shower at my house. It's supposed to be miserably hot here, baby cousin is unbearably vulnerable with hormones and her already short temper. We're expecting roughly 45 people. This could be interesting to say the least. She's having a boy, but her favorite color is pink so she demanded pink decorations for her baby boy's shower. Here's to hoping people won't be confused!

On Deleting Facebook:

I still haven't missed Facebook at all, though I do blame not having it to be the reason we have been so busy! Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to tell someone "no" face to face/via telephone? I'm a horrible liar so when put on the spot as I have been since people are required to call/visit to get ahold of me, I've had no choice but to say, "yes".

I've listed a few example phone conversations below.

Friend: Hey! Do you want to watch the girls for a couple hours while I get my hair done? ( omitting that she is going to take 6 hours after to meander around target in the peace of being childless.)

Me: SURE! I'd love to! (When I really want to give you an excuse about my grandmas cat's kidney stone.)

Aunt Sally: your grandma is going to have a colonoscopy on Thursday. Will you take her?
Me: (privately thinking "nope.. nope nope and Hellllll no!) Sure, no big deal.

Pregnant Cousin: I know you already ordered blue tribal decorations like I asked but will you please decorate in pink hello kitty instead? You can send the other stuff back right?
Me: (you little…) sure not a problem! Yes I can return the stuff I've already purchased (..I could have if you told me a month ago when the return policy was still applicable. I digress: I am able to lie if it means protecting someone's feelings from being hurt or disappointed. She's the closest thing to a baby sister that I have. She gets what she wants.)

That's all for now. I'm lacking time , but have soooo many topics I plan on covering. For my whopping 2 active subscribers who have requested updates, I hope this fulfills the void. Please feel free to send me topics you would like to hear about even if they're not related to this post!

Xoxo
Forever Awkward

Big Nuts and STDs

I’ve been a bit MIA lately so here’s a quick update about where I am and what I’m doing.
I had a severe allergic reaction that made me vomit for 10 straight hours and I don’t recommend it.  I developed an allergy to brazil nuts this year and now it’s so bad that even a sliver makes my body turn inside out and my doctor was like, “Hey, interesting trivia that might kill you:  Brazil nuts are the only allergies that are sexually transmitted.”  And I was like, “Awesome.  So I have a severe allergy AND an STD?” and she explained that I couldn’t give the allergy to other people but that if I had sex with someone who ate brazil nuts I could have a severe allergic reaction because apparently brazil nuts come out of your semen.  Not whole, I mean.  That would probably be noticeable.  But enough to send you into shock if you have sex with someone full up on brazil nuts.
This seems like something that should be known since some people have deadly nut allergies and I suggested an ad campaign like, “Keep nuts out of your nuts” but my doctor said it probably wouldn’t fly because the people who make brazil nuts wouldn’t be pleased and I was like, “I’M NOT GOING TO LET BIG NUTS KEEP ME DOWN.”  And she looked at me weird and I explained that the people who owned tobacco were “Big Tobacco” so the nut people were probably “Big Nuts” and she nodded and probably wrote a note to herself to stop accepting my insurance.

Ps. I'm totally fine. I got to binge watch Game of Thrones and have an extra long holiday weekend. I'm allergic to the most uncommon things. I get to go back to the doc tomorrow and to be poked and prodded for fertility stuff. Sans nuts. I actually can't wait. Doc will be thrilled that I'm down at least 5 lbs 😜

Sharing for the ladies…

'The Uterine Septate Life – One girl, 2 vaginas, two cervix, one double roomed womb, and a lot of thoughts!'

For those of you who have read my blog, "Overlooked Ovaries and Other Bullshit Statistics" be sure to check out the blog posts in the link below. Her story is just another example of why ultrasounds should be implemented in women's health exams. Seriously though, how in the hell does a doctor miss double "lady bits" for THIRTY-TWO years?!?! Absolutely ridiculous!

Also, ladies, I strongly encourage you to request the ultrasounds during your next annual visit. Even if you feel fine, and aren't having any problems, there are so many things that are overlooked that are the source of weight gain, mood swings, hair loss, excessive hair growth, and fatigue. If you grew up with the pre-school song, "the head bone is connected to the neck bone, the neck bone is connected to the shoulder bone, etc, you know that every function in our bodies greatly depends on another.

(See the shared blog!)

http://wp.me/p94rx3-C

What’s this song?

Ever get a song stuck in your head? You know, the one that you've been humming subconsciously all day and when you finally come-to you can't recollect where in the world it came from? I'm driving myself mad trying to figure out what this song is. I even hammered it out on the piano trying to see if I could make it seem more familiar. Still nothing. This happens to me all. the. time. Usually it's a new song from the radio, or something I've heard when I was younger. I'm drawing a blank today. It sounds soap opera-ish to me, but I don't watch soaps.

-Forever Awkward

Let it Hurt

For those of you who prefer the feeling of having complete control of your own life, you know the struggles of defense mechanisms. Personally, my 'hurt' reveals itself in anger. I am too stubborn to sit back and simply feel hurt. You can't control those who have done you wrong, or how they have made you feel. Expressing frustrations or being resentful has been my go-to for as long as I can remember. It's as close to "control" as one can get in these scenarios.

Today's realization: It occurred to me that I have, in a sense, been doing the work for those who have hurt me all along. My "fix" that I've been using is to make the offender equally upset with if not MORE upset with me as I am them. In doing so, I have essentially excused them from righting the wrong. I've carried so much pride that instead of showing hurt feelings and appearing weak, I've fought back.

Today I woke up feeling defeated. I'm tired of fighting. Today instead of sending nasty texts and saying things I don't really mean I have chosen to disconnect and simply let it hurt. I even followed through with my unrelated plan to delete my Facebook account, backing up pictures and even ordering prints, finally clicking "deactivate".

Honestly, I'm really excited. I'm ready to embrace and nourish the tangible relationships that I have. I'm ready to focus on those whom I am emotionally bound to than those interactions that have been filled with "likes", emojis, and empty conversations with people who don't know me outside of social media.

Call it "turning a new leaf" or what you will, but I'm already feeling better. I no longer feel obligated to speak to those who only question the ongoings of my life when they've heard the recent hurdles my husband and I have had to jump. (I don't post anything personal on social media. All they have heard has been relayed by gossip.) Those leaches that strive on others who are down are the absolute worst! I am no longer a subject of prey when they are hungry.

Xoxo

Forever Awkward

Road Rage & Life Lessons

I don't get road rage often. Only when you don't use your turn signal, drive under the speed limit in a passing lane, or don't give me that courtesy wave to acknowledge I let your sorry ass in when you wanted to pass everyone because there's clearly an accident ahead, but you had somewhere more important to be, regardless the condition of those who may have been killed in said accident…. no, I hardly get road rage at all. (To be read in one breath.)
 
Fortunately I live in a very rural area which in turn means low traffic. So my 'rare' fits of road rage are, thanks to traffic statistics in my area, rare. (Unless I'm driving through Chicago. Road rage is a norm for this gal when traveling in Chicago.)  HOWEVER, for those who have experienced these 'rare' occasions, you know my favorite obscenity-filled tantrum, "SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT, DAMNIT!"
 
The thing is that I don't only apply this rage-induced expression to ignorant drivers, but to life. I've never been a sit and wait kind of lady. If you say you want to achieve something, figure out the steps needed to get there, and do the damn thing! Not happy with your job? Change it. Don’t want to live where you live? Move. Disclosure: Before you start talking about money or lack thereof, I am fully aware that unfortunately, this is a factor for most of life’s decisions. However, I hate when it is used as an excuse. Plan the steps that it will take you to get where you need to be financially, and take them.  Hence, “shit or get off the pot!”

Disclosure 2: I’m not saying “rush”, but “get going.” It may take you a really long time to get to wherever it is you want to be in life, but as long as you’re putting in the effort each and every day you’ll get there. From experience, there are many things I used to want for myself, that I learned weren’t things worth wanting. But from these changes I’ve also learned of new pathways that were better suited for me. It’s easily to be influenced by those around you who seem to have “made it”. To this I say, “Stop it.” No two journeys are the same. Quit comparing yourself to them.

In conclusion, use your turn signal. If you drive slow, stay to the right, or if you're European, to the left. If you're going to be an asshole, be sure to wave in gratitude when someone cuts you a break. Get your finger out of your nose when the light turns green and drive.
 

Xoxo
Forever Awkward